We all go through tough times and changes. It's the nature of life; always changing. The positive side of going through something hard is that we learn and grow from it. When it's happening to someone we care about, it can be difficult to watch. We may want to help, but don't know how or we may try to help and make things worse. To help your friend, help yourself first. Be prepared to be a healthy friend who is ready to be a different kind of support person.
Here are 4 suggestions that may help:
1. Be Smart
We all have to do our own work when it comes to personal growth and change, but you can be a supportive friend. You may not be able to do much, but you can at least help ease the discomfort that can come from watching it happen. Start by remembering these helpful basics:
- Everyone has to do their own work. You can't do it for them, so don't feel guilty.
- Be kind. Every perspective is different, they may not see what you see.
- Mistakes happen. Our greatest lessons come from our greatest screw ups. Don’t judge.
- Be patient. Growth can take time and it may take them a while to get through it.
- Don’t take anything personal. Tough situations create intense emotions and stress, which can make people do or say awful things to the people they care about.
And most importantly, remember, it's what they are going through, it's not who they are.
2. Be Supportive
It can be difficult to be supportive when your awesome friend turns into a negative, emotional stranger you barely recognize. Stress, especially when coupled with intense emotion brings out aspects of people we didn’t even know existed.
- Give them extra space. Notice if they seem less interested in the usual activities. Ask!
- Listen. Talking out loud about stuff can often help people see their own solutions.
- Don't judge. We are all doing the best we can with the information we have.
- Imagine how you might feel if you were in their situation. Compassion helps everyone.
3. Provide Helpful Information
(Caution this one can be tricky)
Of course we all want to help, but giving advice or even an opinion can be taken the wrong way and cause problems. If you can see the issues clearly and you really want to help there are some things you can do to help yourself be more effective.
- Ask if they would like your input or help first.
- Keep it short and to the point.
- Provide info that steers clear of judgmental statements or negative opinions.
- Stay neutral when the issues are with others in the friend’s life.
- Don't be attached to whether or not they take your advice.
4. Be the Friend They Know
Now that they are going through a stressful life altering experience, the last thing they need is to have their friend be weird too. Remember what they were like before all this started and be helpful by not letting their situation change you too. Here are some tips to help.
- Stay positive. Take time to remember the good aspects of your own life and your friendship with them.
- Don't avoid them. Continue to ask them to hang out and do stuff with you.
- Try not to act different around them.
- Let them know you care.
It can be difficult to have a friend who is going through a life changing event, but being your best self is a good place to start. Just like with any relationship, we are better for everyone when we put our own self-care first. Be a healthy friend, model healthy behaviors in the face of difficult times and if life ever throws you a curve ball, those friends will be there for you.
"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Are you finding it difficult to navigate a relationship? Would you like a fresh perspective and smart solutions? We can help. Angela and Anita are Personal Power Coaches who can guide you to answers. www.yourpowercenter.com
